WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY

(Good Advice For New Writers)

1. Apparently, plagiarism is frowned upon.

2. If you are going to use a pen name, choose one that is deceptively similar to a famous author’s name, such as J.J. Rowling or Ernest Humingway.

3. Don’t be intimidated by a famous author’s team of attorneys when they haul your ass into court because of your actions described in # 2.

4. Despite what literary agents publicly instruct regarding submission guidelines, they all will respect your independence and believe you will be an easy client to work with if you format your manuscript however you want, are familiar (non-professional) in query letters and attach documents to your e-mail query. Also, don’t forget to attach a bunch of vacation photos and candid shots of your genitals (with the attached message of “Wish you were here”). You will be certain to distinguish yourself from your competition.

5. Blogging is not a euphemism for oral sex.

6. Tweeting is not a euphemism for oral sex.

7. Facebook is not a website for oral sex.

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