BOB IOZZIA knows that you know that most author bios* written in the third person are really written by the first person in the first place. So from here on out, all information will be written in the first person by a second person pretending to be the third person, who (as just disclosed) is really the first person.
I am a slow typer (those 3 words took me nearly two minutes to type) and am awful at math, especially word counting. When not writing, I can usually be found hiding. Not really — no one can find me when I don’t want to be found, especially when I am invisible. I believe in life before death … and that’s all I’m comfortable revealing about myself until the next paragraph.
I confess to authorship of the eBooks I NEVER HEARD OF YOU, EITHER and A LEFT-HANDED OPTIMIST AT THE GATES OF HELL, as well as several short stories and essays that have been published via this crazy thing I recently came across called the internet. I am currently working on a project so good that it must remain a secret, lest the concept be pilfered by someone who can type faster and write more better than me can.
I am a graduate of Ohio University, home of student interns of the Alumni Bilking Office who periodically call pretending not to be calling about a donation until they are finished pretending to be interested in what I’ve been doing since I left OU. I pretend to be a recovering psychopath and answer with pretend responses like, “I don’t torture cats much anymore” and “I have been asking people to do ridiculous things because I am mean-spirited. Do me a favor and look for a comb I think I left in Gamertsfelder Hall. Oh, and do you have a cat I can borrow?”
Many careers I have had (This sounds immigrantly awkward, but I don’t like to begin four consecutive paragraphs with I.), including journalist, starving rock musician and night club manager.
I have a burning in my gut that I have decided is a rediscovered passion for writing. It was a choice of that or a peptic ulcer, and since I ignore health warnings, a rediscovered passion for writing it is.
Three years ago I did something I am very proud of. But because third-person laudatory is first-person boasting, I can’t reveal what that is, but it would make me your favorite person — first, second, third or infinity. Hint: it did not involve cats.
Bob thanks you.
*Bob Iozzia/I/He knows you know that ‘bios’ is insider lingo for ‘biographies’.
CONTACT ME at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I will reply to all reasonable responses from non-lunatics.