An Impatient Man’s History Of The Universe

(From The Beginning To The End Three Years From Now)

Theoretically, the Bang was big and from it was born an indisputable certainty — one that succinctly explains in everyday language why things virtually and actually go kablooey: Shit Happens.

Billions of years went by (allegedly) and worlds, including ours (Earth) were formed from the theoretical Bang’s debris — basically, garbage … which explains quite a lot about our current situation and where we are going. For example, it used to be that water was free and pornography wasn’t. Now, of course, it is all topsy-turvy and willy-nilly. For those who consume more porn than water, this is just fine (an off-topic word to the wise: water sports in porn very seldom involve boats).

Of course more events have transpired post-Bang than bottled water and unbridled internet titillation, but these two perfectly illustrate how out of whack our world has become (Don’t get me started on rude/entitled behavior in public places, distant and distanced customer service reps and reality TV [Please just say ‘yes’ to the goddamn dress already and then shut the hell up. Thank you.].).

The evolutionary path of peoplekind is headed toward full-blown cyberborgism — essentially, the end of life as we know it. It has already begun, with “smart” phones seemingly becoming permanent appendages at the ends of our increasingly atrophying arms. Eventually, all intelligence will be artificial, which will beg the rhetorical question, “Billions of years of evolution and you call this civilization?”

WTF … shit happens.

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